In thirty days I’m getting my penis amputated.
When I first started the transition process I sat down with my partner and discussed goals and expectations. I was strongly against getting a vaginoplasty. It’s a complicated surgery.
There’s so much that could go wrong. Vaginal prolapse. Fistulas. Colon or abdominal puncture during surgery. Plus there’s the lifelong dilation.
So why the hell did I decide this is for me?
Honestly, my penis doesn’t give me dysphoria. So it’s not that I need the procedure to feel whole. I would go so far as to say that I actually like my penis, when it’s functional.
Having a vagina isn’t going to make me passable. I’m built like a door. I’m 6’5" and about 400#. I have a 58" bust, a 46" waist, and 32" thighs. I am not small, dainty, or even plus size. I’m a giant.
I identify strongly with this image.
I don’t feel the need for penetrative sex. If I do, anal is fine.
All great reasons to keep my penis. But when I was researching breast augmentation and facial feminization surgery I found an option I had never heard of.
Zero depth vaginoplasty. Also called vulvoplasty.
Turns out the reasons why I never considered a vaginoplasty make me a great candidate for a vulvoplasty.
This whole concept really speaks to me. I get to have the appearance of a vagina, but none of the risks that scare me, or the upkeep that I don’t want to do because I’m not interested in being penetrated.
I’m still scared. When I say the words my stomach turns. Every time I go to the bathroom I wonder if I’m going to miss standing to pee. Every time I get an erection I wonder if I’m going to remember my last one.
I’m still going to go through with it though.
I wish more trans women talked about their transition on well traveled, easily found sites. I wish more trans women like me (on the older side of the spectrum [I’m 35], on the more masculine side of the spectrum, or don’t look like the average insta girl) talked about what they were going through.
I really could have used something like this a year ago.
Hopefully someone who needs to hear this comes across it.
